Writing this book constantly gives me moments to relive and every time that a memory hits me particularly hard, it surprises me. Today I wrote about saying goodbye to a fellow volunteer and more so about having to watch as my daughter suffered the pain of having to say goodbye forever to someone she’d truly grown to love. I wrote and I cried and I felt that same guilt all over again. I suppose it’s good for me and for the writing, adding a depth of reality to things.
And sometimes I wonder if the reliving of the moments is part of why I’ve embarked on this endeavor to write my story, our story. I never want to lose those lovely moments when my heart was filled with love for my children, for the orphans, for the country. But to remember those, I have to remember the sad times, the scary times, the mother-guilt that pervades so much of what I do. I have to feel those moments again, too, as I write. I don’t like it, but I think it has to be done.
It is said the guilt is the most useless emotion, and I tend to agree… but dang – that mother-guilt trips us up every time, doesn’t it? Goodbyes are the most difficult, but your daughter’s good memories of her experiences will long outlive the sadness of goodbye.
Please do continue to write because your words have a poignancy that offers a deeper glimpse into your experience and puts the reader right there, (re)living each moment with you.